Crappy New Year
by Kaori
Summary: A recount of Relena's fateful New Year's party, as told from Trowa's point of view. Oneshot.


Yep, it's a new year so you know what that means. Food, family, friends, lovers, resolutions to do better, and lots and lots of fighting. Okay, maybe not so much fighting but Murphy's Law doesn't go away just because you want to have a good time, you know.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters, but if you'd like to give them to me for my birthday…

Crappy New Year

By Kaori

_Narration is in italics._

The room is a veritable war zone. The once immaculate sofa is ripped to shreds, all the tables are splintered and the remains strewn across the room with reckless abandon, broken glass from various bottles and windows, and small traces of blood and hair litter the floor… in short, it's train wreck city. The inert bodies of what used to be the guests at what had been a party once upon a time, lay draped on top of the wreckage; a groan or a curse being uttered once in a while. The camera tilts down and across as a hand waves it towards the weary form of Trowa Barton clutching a bottle of Merlot.

Trowa: If you came for the party you're too late. [turns around to glare at the scene] This hasn't been a party for at least two hours. [pauses] You want to know why I'm still conscious? [snorts] Well it all started about.. [looks at his watch] seven hours ago…

The wavy flashback thing happens.

_Relena in her pink naïveté thought it would be a good idea if all of us celebrated New Year's Eve together. She had no idea what she was setting herself up for as she hadn't witnessed what we now know as the Winner Christmas Fiasco of AC 198. But I digress… My sister, Catherine, and I arrived some time after eight and the party had been going on for about an hour and a half. Paegan greeted us at the door…_

Paegan: Master Barton, Miss Bloom, it's so nice to see you. Do come in.

_He took our coats and showed us to the ballroom. Relena interrupted her conversation with someone I recognized as a diplomat from L1._

Relena: Trowa, Catherine! It's so nice to see you both again. I hope the drive over was okay, I heard the weather is starting to get bad.

Catherine: It's good to see you too, Relena. [curtsies] The drive over was all right. You look fabulous.

Relena: Thank you Catherine, you know I…

_And the two of them wandered off somewhere to talk about… whatever it is girls talk about when they haven't seen each other in months. Anyway, I wandered over to where Duo, Sally, and Zechs were arguing about something._

Zechs: It had to have been you, nobody else would think of spray painting all of Treize's undergarments with glow-in-the-dark, neon pink, paint.

Duo: I'm telling you, I never got anywhere near Treize during the war.

Sally: Duo, nobody else but you would think of doing something so utterly bizarre as that.

Zechs: There you see!

Duo: I wasn't me! If it had been me you can bet I would've done a heck of a lot more than just messed with his underwear.

Sally: He's got you there, Zechs.

Zechs: Then if not you, then who?

_It was then that I chose to inquire as to why he should care who messed with Treize's underwear._

Zechs: Because everyone thought it was me!

Duo: Dude, that was three years ago. 

Zechs: I don't care! My reputation has been tarnished! I demand justice!

Sally: It's one of those honor things. Wufei does the same thing.

Duo: Ah.

_I shook my head. The words coming out of Zechs' mouth were rather ridiculous since it was only a silly prank. Besides, I wasn't about to tell him that I was the one that spray painted Treize's underwear. Stop looking at me like that, I'm allowed to be immature once in a while. Anyway. it suddenly occurred to me to ask where Wufei was._

Sally: "Old Sourpuss" as you described him, is getting me some punch. Hopefully a certain braided somebody whom I will not mention didn't spike it.

Duo: Sally you wound me!

Zechs: Not as much as I'm going to wound you if you spiked the punch.

Duo: Relax will you, I didn't spike the punch.

Zechs: Thank God…

Duo: I asked Heero to do it.

Zechs: Oh, okay that's…YOU DID WHAT?!!

Duo: [laughing] I'm kidding! Yeesh, you need to loosen up Zechsy boy. This is a party after all.

_I excused myself to go "talk" to Heero. For those of you who don't know Heero and I hardly ever say anything to each other out loud, but we do have these semi-silent conversations that always confuse the hell out of anybody watching us. Duo's accused us of being telepathic on numerous occasions… but I'm getting off track again. After a brief chat with Heero I was suddenly pulled onto the dance floor by one of the female guests and was forced to foxtrot for half an hour. Sometime during that, Zechs had started dancing with Noin and Howard had arrived and  joined Duo and Sally._

Miscellaneous Female Guest: My name is Paulette Zonicle, what's yours?

_I told her my name and she smiled at me. We had a rather bland conversation and at the end of our dance she gave me her phone number._

Paulette: Give me a call if you ever get tired of the circus.

_Of course I was going to call her anyway, she was kind of cute. I just had to figure out a way to do it without Catherine killing me. Three very important things happened after that. 1) One of the female guests – I believer her name was Yvonne - started flirting with Quatre. 2) Dorothy got very jealous. 3) A very big cat fight erupted in the middle of the room._

Dorothy: You bitch!! Stay away from my boyfriend!

Yvonne: You can't be his girlfriend. Why would anyone want a scary whore like you?!

Dorothy: How dare you!!! [slaps Yvonne]

Yvonne: [lightly touches her cheek where Dorothy slapped her, then backhanded Dorothy, thus beginning one of the dirtiest catfights in history]

Quatre: Ladies, please stop it! You're embarrassing yourselves!

Relena: Dorothy! Stop! You're going to claw her eyes out!

_Things got decidedly worse from there as Yvonne's friend decided to jump in by throwing an empty bottle of champagne. She missed and clonked the girl standing just a few feet away from the actual fight. Needless to say the other one threw something else and missed her target as well. The whole thing just escalated out of control as fists and other things started flying. I didn't want anything to do with it so I grabbed a bottle of Merlot and shut myself in the hall closet._

_The noise was terrifying and I probably would have remained safe too if someone hadn't been thrown into the closet door. It landed on me and all I could do was throw the door, and the person off of me. Somehow, I ended up fighting for my life as I was pulled into the fray. It took an hour, but I managed to outlast everybody else and save the Merlot._

The flashback ends.

Trowa: And that's how everything ended up as you see it now. It was brutal, loud, and quite possibly the most fun I've had since the Christmas party. [he waves his free hand across the room] Catherine is passed out in the corner by the stereo, Dorothy got hit with a chair after she almost strangled Yvonne to death, Wufei is stuck in a potted plant somewhere, Relena is passed out in the middle of the room since she fainted when the fight started, Heero is knocked out on what used to be the buffet table after KOing most of the other guests, Sally got clonked with one of the standing lamps, Hilde is behind what I think was the settee, Zechs and Sally got flattened by a horse – don't ask I don't know where it came from either - Duo… I'm not sure what happened to Duo but he took out the ones Heero missed, Quatre is lying under the chandelier. [pauses and then looks around] I think you'd better call an ambulance.

The clock chimes midnight and Trowa takes a swig of the Merlot.

Trowa: Crappy New Year… may we live to see many more. [looks around the room one more time] But with this lot, it's not likely.

~Owari~ 


End file.
